Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
You Might Also Like
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Yes, this is exactly right
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
crazy
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me