The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
😩😩😩
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.