Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Put a ring on it
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.