I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Investing in beetcoin
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Still my favourite meme.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.