Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Why am I like this?
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.