You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL