My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
We’re all getting idioter.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.