My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave