Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Y’all ready for this
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.