*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?