[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.