i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
remember
only for emergencies
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Otters see a butterfly.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days