my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
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“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Breaking news:
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Somebody’s lying.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.