step 6: release the wall snake
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.