Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
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Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental