It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks