My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type