Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
constantly working on myself.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.