teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Still my favourite meme.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *