How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.