Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I didn’t come here to be called names
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.