It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
You Might Also Like
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission