Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.