[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
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surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
No chill.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.