How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me