SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
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Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one