Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.