MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
philosophical skeletons be like
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids