Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
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Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.