I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK