would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Yup….perfect score!
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.