Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
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People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful