My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
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My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker