[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?