‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
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me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.