Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk