My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
A ghost story
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
This is my emotional support knife.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Meeeee too!
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.