Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
You Might Also Like
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.