A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
You Might Also Like
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
This is sending me to another galaxy
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn