I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”