ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
congratulations to them
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
This is enough internet for the day.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.