definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Wise advice
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.