[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
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Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
time machine? you mean a clock?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me, flirting😏
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Lucky old June.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy