saw this in a dream
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Not even remotely sorry.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor