“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called