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Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Breaking news:
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.