With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
how to have an accident 101
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.