When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.