You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
You Might Also Like
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.