Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
can’t catch a break
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.